Get a glimpse of the big ol’ baddies Tina cooked up for you to battle.
Skeleton Army
After living out fulfilling lives, denizens of the Wonderlands are peacefully laid to rest six feet under—until that jerky Dragon Lord reanimates their remains to become his rank-and-file soldiers in an unwavering army of skellypeople. These bony minions don’t seem to remember anything about their mortal past, instead focusing their entire undead existence on attacking you with deadly weapons and devastating mockery.
There’s a wide variety of rotted troops in the Skeleton Army; some will try to hack you apart with their swords while others fling arrows from afar or cast rudimentary spells of destruction. They don’t even need a skull attached to carry out the Dragon Lord’s orders, so try not to die of sheer fright the first time you see a headless skeleton running straight at you with an urge to kill.
Shrooms
They say the forest has many secrets. They also say, «Yeargh, nooo! That mushroom just came alive! It’s eating meeee! Oh! Oh! Oh no!» And they’re right on both counts.
Shrooms may be cute, but they only want to tear you limb from limb. Their armored caps swing up to reveal a giant maw full of glistening teeth with your name on each one. The forest’s immune system will come at you from every direction, sending germinators to launch spores at you from afar, or powerful walking colonies to stomp you flat and flood the battlefield with fungi.
Goblins
Everywhere you look in the Wonderlands, you’ll find the subtle fingerprints of a loving creator whose ineffable design brings the world into perfect harmony. Meanwhile, the Goblins are the grease-glazed thumb smudges of a sugar-addled creator who just ate two gas station burritos for afternoon tea.
Small and tricky, these surly little brussels sprouts wreak havoc wherever they can. They may be individually weak, but they are dangerous in large numbers. Always tinkering, Goblins are adept with all sorts of long-range weapons and gadgets. Don’t think you’re safe up close, though—anything in their way gets the old axe-to-the-knee, or exploded with improvised TNT.
Trolls
Trolls like one thing and one thing only: having someone to beat up. As such, you’ll find them assisting the Dragon Lord’s skeletal horde in their war effort and wherever you find the Trolls’ feisty cousins, the Goblins. Beware their heavy clubs and hurled boulders, but keep your Ward up—a few have somehow mastered spellcasting, firmly cementing the difference between wisdom and intelligence.
Pirates
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of strictly non-alcoholic soda! Ye might think death would be enough to set these larcenous terrors of the seas on a more societally constructive career path… and ye’d be wrong! These guys are extremely committed to the bit. Just like on the early 2000s internet, pirates are a constant menace in the Wonderlands. So hold on tight to your doubloons!
Crabs
In the Wonderlands, you can find all manner of fantastical foe. Green-skinned goblins! Troglodytic trolls! And of course, crabs! Someone really pulled out all the stops for these monsters. Ten legs! Natural armor! Eyes on sticks, why not! If you’ve ever wanted to cross claws with nature’s most busted design, you can find these dastardly decapods dotting the otherwise pristine beaches of the Wonderlands. But these critters are as tough as they are delicious, so bring plenty of bullets to the fight (and butter for after)!
Seawargs
Sharks: nature’s perfect killing machine, unchanged for a hundred million years. Humanity’s one solace has been that luckily, these dum-dums never figured out how to get onto land (not for very long, anyhow). Enter the SEAWARG, the Wonderlands’ answer to natural selection’s oversight! The seawarg laughs in the face of evolution, kicks the food chain in the groin, and steals the lunch money of ecological equilibrium. It’s got all the teeth and then some, runs on four legs, burrows to strike from underground, and has the audacity to look adorable while doing it. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before they’re in charge around here.
Cyclopes
Trundling out of the dusty annals of myth and into the fantastic realm of the Wonderlands, the cyclops is a nasty brute. Short on depth perception but big on, well, everything else, a cyclops’ favorite pastime is killing people who think they’re clever (cyclopes have very fragile egos). While they’re pummeling you into a crunchy red pulp, it may give some small comfort to know that in their heart of hearts, most cyclopes abhor violence and consider themselves artists, intellectuals, and overall really nice guys.
Wyverns
Not to be confused with their more popular draconic cousins, a wyvern is LIKE a dragon, but with a number of differences that some nerd can probably educate you on. For the average adventurer, though, they’re pretty much the same. At the end of the day, when you’re staring down a flying lizard the size of a horse that can breathe fire (or any other element) with nothing but some steel in your hands and a prayer in your heart, does it REALLY matter if, after it kills you, it goes back to a nest or a hoard?
Coiled
aA semi-serpentine and secretive sect of sentient snake-women, the Coiled venerate slumbering, ancient gods from their distant and remote cloisters in the darkest depths of the seas and the blinding desert sun. There, they work to bring about the return of their dark masters, capturing and sacrificing the unwary in hopes that blood may stir their dreaming deities to enslave the realms of men… and elf… and pony—pretty much all the non-snake realms are fair game. Cunning, swift, and strong, they raise zealous warriors and priestesses adept at bow, blade, and battle magic.
